Founder and President
of The Etiquette Factory,
a unique 3-phase etiquette learning system designed to change the world, one child at a time.
It is our duty as parents to help our children develop compassion toward all people. As we know from our own personal experiences, when we go through trials, hard times, and heartache, our empathy toward others in similar circumstances grows stronger and it is easier to have compassion.
Once someone experiences homelessness, they are much less judgmental toward others who are homeless. Once parents experience a wayward child who perhaps might struggle with addiction, etc., those parents are much more sensitive to other parents going through the same trial. We all understand why and how this happens, but how do we have compassion for all people when we have not experienced everything everyone else has experienced?
Well, one thing that helps is when we try our best to consider what it would be like. So often, we should start sentences with our children like, “So if you were ‘name,’ what would you want to happen?” or, “If that was your sister/brother, how do you think you would feel?” or “Let’s imagine that we were in that situation… what would we want our friends to do?”
Parents, we have to become really good at asking questions. We have to become experts in helping our children to imagine themselves in “other’s shoes.” What I have found is that it’s not very effective when we just tell our children how they should feel or what they should think about this or that, but what is effective and what does really make an impact is when our children come to their own decisions about how they feel and what they think. As parents, however, we can help them to come to these decisions by asking the right questions and becoming better at engaging our children in conversation.
We all love when people ask us our opinions. WE LOVE IT!! Our children are no different. Ask them. Here’s an example: “Honey, I was wondering how you felt about something. I would love your opinion. I know someone who has a son who has autism. He struggles making friends because often he says things that are offensive to others. Sometimes he doesn’t understand personal space and because of this, it makes people uncomfortable. His mom is so sad because she says that he cries because no one ever wants to play with him and he doesn’t believe he has any friends. This mom was thinking about asking the teacher if she could come to school one day when her son is not there and try to explain to the kids in his class why he acts the way he does. What do you think those children need to know? If he was your son, how would you want those kids to handle it when your son did something that made them uncomfortable, knowing that often he couldn’t help it?”
Now I use this example, only because it was a situation that we really did experience in our home. My son was not as compassionate toward a boy in his class who was on the autism spectrum as I wanted him to be. He often came home frustrated because of this other child and I had a feeling that he wasn’t treating this child as compassionate as I would hope.
So, I waited a week or so after his last complaint and I asked him the questions I listed above. I knew the mother of this child and I knew these were real struggles. When my son imagined himself as the father of this child (my son was around 14 at the time), it changed everything. After my son explained to me what he would want for his son if he were in this situation, he had a “lightbulb” moment regarding the boy in his class. He didn’t fully admit his own faults concerning his treatment of this boy, but I watched my son over time become more compassionate toward this young man. Pretty soon, my son was coming home speaking of incidents where he defended this young man to others or explaining how he redirected this young man’s attention when my son could see that others were being annoyed by him.
Parents, we can never talk too much or ask too many questions. Strive to allow your children to be the teachers when possible. If you ask good questions, often they will teach themselves the correct answers.
Allow your children to see your compassion every day. You are planting the good seeds. Water them and watch them grow.
